I’ve been struggling the last few weeks. I am incredibly afraid of what this means. I’m afraid it means that despite all of the work I’ve been doing to better myself, I just simply cannot get “better”. I’m afraid that I will never know what it is like to live a stable, normal life as an adult. I’m afraid of so many things.

I am trying to just push through; to keep going through the motions to get through each day. I’m overwhelmed by what seem to be the immense responsibilities of my life. I feel like I need to do it all so that my husband doesn’t need to worry about it. I feel like I need to be “fine” so that he doesn’t worry. If I could be objective, I would see that these responsibilities are not immense and rather mundane. I would realize that my husband is more than willing to help and is not burdened by me. I would see that I really do have a lot of good in my life.

So what is the good? I have an incredibly loving husband who would change the world for me if he could. I have two adorable pups who love their mama. I have two snuggly cats who really only use me for my body heat because, well, they’re cats. I have a roof over my head, a functioning vehicle and a regular paycheck. I have a functioning body that allows me to run, lift, bike and swim. On paper, life is good. I just wish my brain could see it that way.

“Rome is build on ruins and is quite breathtaking; What makes you think you can’t be too?”

I’ve been through a lot this year; most days I feel like I’m barely treading water. It’s been stressful enough to trigger some deep depression and anxiety. I’ve felt like the world would be better off without me in it. I’ve cried at work, in front of my boss, more times than I’d like.

I’ve felt so low and utterly ruined that it seems the only way to go is up. That doesn’t mean I’ve hit rock bottom. Rather I’ve been slowly accepting the idea that I deserve better and I’ve started going to therapy since I don’t seem to be able to manage on my own anymore.

I need to get back to the things that bring me joy. I need to rediscover what some of those things are, and even find some new ones. A lot has changed in my life: I got married. I’m a homeowner. We grew our fur-family.

If I don’t rebuild the core of my being I can’t be a healthy wife, friend and fur-mom. I need to rebuild me. Maybe one day I’ll be breathtaking, too.

A life that stagnates and settles is never the kind of life I want, but that doesn’t mean change doesn’t terrify me and make me uncomfortable. That said… I’m dealing with a couple of big changes right now.

1. I’ve moved in with my boyfriend. I have lived alone for more than 10 years and I have never lived with anyone I’ve dated before. It’s a big change and it doesn’t matter that we were already practically living together before. I still had my space. I almost have that again as my office at his house is almost complete, but it’s different. It’s taken a lot of adjusting, a lot of patience and a bunch of tears, but I’m beginning to feel like there’s a light at the end of this chaotic tunnel.
2. I’m starting to get back into personal training again. I’ve been removed from lifting seriously for more than five years and I really miss my muscles. I miss my confidence. I’m tired of saying, “I miss…” and, “I wish…” It’s time to take action, and so I have an appointment with a new trainer on Friday. It’s time to check the ego, stop being nostalgic and start all over again.

One changes always leads to another, so I’m sure I’ll be dealing with more in the near future.

It’s tough to swallow being disrespected. It’s a bit worse when it’s in front of your peers and undermines you as a professional. It happens to me more often than I’d like it to and I’m just supposed to sit back, smile and nod.

As a result, I sit here and call into question the very fiber of my professional being. What am I really good at, if anything at all? What skills do I have to offer if what I do offer is not appreciated or wanted? Am I a valuable individual?

I used to think I was good at my job. I used to think I was a skilled young professional with a lot to offer a potential employer. I used to think people wanted me around.

Ask around and I’m pretty sure they’ll tell you something different.

I’m at a crossroads. I want to give up, but I want to be better. I am not satisfied with my life. I’m angry with my body for fighting me as I try to better myself. I’m tired.

I’m training for a half marathon. I will be seven months and one week post-op from hip surgery the day of the marathon. I am doing it to prove I can.

My body want to prove otherwise.

My hip is fine. I had a textbook recovery and was cleared to run by both my PT and my surgeon. I have been following a training plan that was devised by one of the leading sports PTs in the area. The first half of my training was completely uneventful. Sure there were bad runs – sometimes absolutely miserable runs – but nothing extraordinary. Then a week and a half ago I had shin splints make a special guest appearance in my left leg. I’m 23 days away from the marathon and am so frustrated that I want to throw in the towel and say, “Eff it.”

My body was not built for running. I used to be a lifter. Well, I became a lifter, but now I’m not. I miss it, but not enough to push through the first several sucky weeks to start seeing some progress and start lifting some respectable weights. I feel like a failure.

I don’t like where this leaves me.